I am melancholy as can be, still. I don’t know what it is, though I had a thought tonight.
Jimmy Page & Robert Plant / Ramble On
The way I feel about offshore is confusing. I like the job well enough, and it’s fun to putter, but there are so many rules, and the seclusion of being offshore for weeks at a time really wears a girl down after a while. I’ve also come to realize that, even though I’m perfectly comfortable being a tiny minority offshore (as a woman), it’s very marginalizing. I’ll never be one of the guys (nor do I want to be!), so the guys tend to watch their behavior, and I’m not completely myself, so it’s this funny little dance we do. And it’s a very, very lonely life. I also just feel like an interloper. I don’t feel like I’m supposed to be there. It’s not because anyone has ever made me feel unwelcome- quite the opposite. It’s just that I’m starting to look around and think, “WHAT am I DOING here??” Because I’m not particularly good at the job, and I don’t have a ton of interest going forward to get better at it, simply because the necessary skill set has nothing really to do with any of my strengths. I’m also a college-educated, well-read and well-traveled, 30-something female from Minnesota. There’s just nothing organic about my presence on an oil rig.
But what do I do now? I may just have burned my bridges with OII at this point. And the door feels shut. I just don’t want to try anymore, but where to go when there’s no clear path ahead? I feel just untethered and directionless. Like the control is out of my hands, and it’s not that I don’t trust something will present itself, it’s just scary not knowing what’s ahead.