the tinkerly half-arsed kinda-sorta cleanse/fast thingy.

After months of debauchery, I decided that I’d had enough of my disgusting eating habits (peanut butter from the jar anyone?) and that it was high time for a cleanse!  I had the best of intentions for following the Master Cleanse.  I had lemons and pure maple syrup and cayenne pepper — enough for days!  But things didn’t go quite as expected (as they never really do).

For the 25 people in the world unfamiliar with the Master Cleanse, it was conceived of by Stanley Burroughs in the 1940s, and revised in the 70s.  Burroughs believed that consuming only maple syrup-sweetened, cayenne pepper-spiced lemonade for 10 days would detoxify the body and remove excess fat.  The cleanse is still widely practiced today, despite the obvious chinks in its proverbial armor (lack of nutrients, losing water weight vs. fat).  On the cleanse, the practitioner can drink as much of the lemonade concoction and herbal tea as desired.  There are 3 phases to the cleanse: ease-in, cleanse, ease-out.

This is my tale.

Day 1.

7:00am: Up and at em!  While the idea of drinking lemonade doesn’t sound like the most delightful thing on this great big planet, I’m resolved to do this!  At least for the 4 days until my scheduled pancake breakfast with favorite-landlord-ever, Errol. I decide that I will cheat, just a little, and allow myself coffee (decaf! almost exactly like herbal tea!), sweetened with maple syrup, of course.

7:30am: Lemonade! This stuff doesn’t taste so bad after all!

9:45am: More juice!

10:00am: I’m so very sleepy.  I take a shower and decide I will take the day off to recuperate from the ever-so-strenuous cabin weekend with handsome beau.

11:00am-5:00pm: Squeeze, squeeze, more juice.  At some point in the afternoon, I realize I have forgotten to add the cayenne. I  watch the entire Pillars of the Earth miniseries, plus a few episodes of Mork & Mindy, season 2.

6:00pm: It can’t hurt to have a few almonds, right?

7:00pm: Maybe a little coconut oil (Don’t ask, because I really have no answer as to 1. why this seemed an acceptable exception, and 2. why it sounded appetizing.)

7:35pm: I really don’t feel very good.

8:00pm: Trying simultaneously not to vomit and to fall asleep so I don’t have to experience how awful I feel. At this point, the idea of maple syrup is enough to cause dry heaves.  Eventually I fall asleep.

Day 2.

8:00am: Lemonade?  Please god, noooo! I’m still extremely put off on the idea of maple syrup.  I opt instead for coffee with almond milk, plus water and my daily vites.

9:00am: Running errands, depositing money in the bank.  Stop off at Trader Joe’s to stock up on lemons and maple syrup.  Still not able to stomach the combo, I buy a few bottles of 100% juice.  I know it’s a stretch, but I need to consume some calories, and I’m thinking the lemonade will not be palatable today.

12:30pm: Decide to walk 3 miles to have coffee with a friend, in lieu of driving.  Beautiful day for a walk! Plus, it’s the perfect weather for my Wellies.

1:30pm: Arrive at coffee shop.  Friend Elizabeth is eating a sandwich that I sort of want to rip out of her hands, or at least gnaw on the mostly-empty condiment packets to suck out the last traces of Miracle Whip or yellow mustard. I resist, and a lovely conversation ensues. I buy a Naked Juice, because it’s juice.  Perfect.

2:30pm: For the past hour, my stomach has been jump-n-jivin, and now I start to feel really off.  I ask friend Elizabeth if she’ll drive me home.  I have tunnel vision, and feel like I’m going to vomit, right on the curb in front of Dunn Bros. Grand Ave.  I feel embarrassed like a 3rd grader who’s just puked on the classroom floor. In the end, I prevail in not vomiting, and feel fine by the time I’m dropped off at home 10 mins later. There’s also some time spent in the bathroom, and I will not go into any detail in this department.

4:00-5:00pm: Sweet, blessed nap.

6:00-11:30pm: I’m feeling pretty energetic and spend some time working on websites, catching up on bills, getting stuff in order.  I feel fine!  I’ve also consumed a handful of almonds, drunk some black tea with almond milk and syrup, and splurged on one green olive.

Day 3.

7:30am: Coffee to get me going, and vites.  I have enough supplies to last a few more days, but am still hesitant about drinking the lemonade again.

8:30am: Begin work.  Feeling energetic and good!  Stomach feels hungry, and I may start the day with more of the Trader Joe’s juice, just until I can verify my stomach isn’t going to reject anything.

8:45am: Lemonade still entirely unpalatable.  Drink Trader Joe’s juice instead.

12:00pm: Handsome beau comes over for lunch and I successfully refrain from eating from his plate (well, all but one carrot, anyway).

2:00-3:00pm: Nap, obvi.

3:00pm: Decide to take a walk and realize that I will most likely pass out from lack of nutrients.  At this point I realize the cleanse has become a silly exercise in starvation, and that it’s time to stop.

3:15pm: Oatmeal.

4:15pm: Walk at Hidden Falls (see pics below).

5:30pm: Return hateful Master Cleanse ingredients to Trader Joe’s in exchange for fruits and veg.  The idea is to do the ease-out by way of eating mostly raw for a day.

6:30pm: Delicious soup, salad, and rice dinner.

7:00pm: Plus a little peanut butter.  Which makes me feel ill and I throw the dregs of the bottle away.

8:00pm: Clean out refrigerator and cabinets of all trigger and splurge foods (generally speaking, the ones I have difficultyeating in moderation).

So the conclusion here is that the Master Cleanse is probably not for me.  Had I not been so horribly nauseated on Day 1, this may have had a different, and later, outcome.  But, as it is, it may be a long time before I can use real maple syrup on anything, let alone subsist on it for days on end.

I do like the idea of a periodic fast, and intermittent fasting has gained a lot of momentum in the past few years. My reasoning behind attempting the cleanse was to regain some mindfulness about what I eat, how much, and how often.  For a long time I’ve advocated many small meals, but working at home and having the kitchen never further than 10 steps away means that eating was often out of boredom, or to break up the monotony of sitting at the desk.

My weakness is grains.  I cut down, only to find myself imbibing a carb-heavy diet mere months later.  I also struggle to find balance, as my diet has been gluten-free for several years.  Because I already limit what I choose to eat, I’m extremely loathe to adhere to even more severe dietary restrictions — both for myself, and for those who cook for me.

As with everything, this is a learning curve.  In the future, I’d like to do an actual cleanse, perhaps a prepared juice cleanse, or even the Master Cleanse — properly prepared for!  I don’t know that 3 days is enough to make much of a difference in my eating habits right now, but it has got me thinking differently.  It was nice not to think about food prep for a few days, or to think about food at all, really!  It was also highly interesting to know that I can really go a lot longer, and do a whole lot more than I’d have thought on very little food.

I’d love to hear your experiences with intermittent fasting or cleansing — share in comments!

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If it makes you feel like you want to vomit.

Just a quick post to commemorate the day, what with it being my last at [international hair and beauty corporation]. I’m officially a stay-at-home freelancer.

Image courtesy of Raving Dave

I heard a friend say this once, “If it makes you feel like you’re going to vomit, you’re on the right track!” She wasn’t talking about a night at the bar; rather, she was talking about how to know if a decision or life change was right.  I’ve been thinking about this little saying for the past week or so, because as I’ve gotten closer to my end working date, the uncertainty of what I’m moving toward has become more real in my brain, more prevalent in my thoughts.  It has made me feel like vomiting, a little!  Because I have had a tendency, in the past, to go charging toward something thinking it will be the perfect thing, the solution I’ve been waiting for!, only to find that it, too, has its pitfalls.

This is a much different change, though, and I’m excited.  I’m working with a great company, and the transition feels really natural, not at all jarring.  The timing feels right, and I’m so excited to see what’s next!

 

it’s coming…

This is it, we’re in the middle of it already! It’s the time of year that requires, to my way of thinking, the most adjustment: from Fall into Winter.  Yes, capitalized, just like that.  Its seems like only a few weeks ago that it was all sundresses, maybe paired with boots, but maybe not, maybe still with a bare leg and a cute heel.  But now! No dice.  Even though the temps can still be into the 50s and 60s, the morning-time is chilly-willy, down to the 30s.  Even I, Winter Lover Extraordinaire, experience some difficulty in acclimating.  No, it’s true.  I love winter, but I become slightly squeamish about getting out and doing stuff when it’s cold-yet not winter, with wind-but no snow.

Par ejemplo, last night, I went for a run.  But it took some mind-wrangling to get there.  I came home from work and, realizing I had eaten way too much office-chocolate (this is not a euphemism, though it really could refer to a number of things… there’s chocolate and candy f’ing everywhere in the damn office.  I look at it as a good exercise in self control, though it usually turns into let’s-eat-so-much-chocolate-at-work-that-it-makes-me-sick-and-I-don’t-want-to-eat-it-anymore, however.  This experiment, as yet, has not proven successful.), and because I had chosen not to visit the gym, I decided on the running.  I got home and started eating corn chips, mais oui.  And I ate a lot of them.  Stress-eating, you wonder? Procrastination-induced snacking? Yes, yes indeed.  Because it was COLD (44 deg F, or thereabouts) and it was windy, and I simply DID NOT WANT TO.  But, I went anyway, and once I got out there it was good.

The tricky part of cold-weather activity is managing the body-temp gap between starting the activity and being at the point of sweating.  Layering! Of course! But if you run, you know it’s a real hassle to take shit off and tie it around your waist.  Plus, you end up looking like an elderly woman mall-walking at 7am.  So I dress sparingly, and hope I’ve struck the right balance.  I did, last night, and the run was lovely.

My point being, though, that I have to remind myself every year that, while it stinks sometimes to get out there, it’s a matter of wearing the appropriate clothing, and then you can do anything.  Right?  I saw a guy driving to work yesterday morning, on a motorcycle, in 40-something degree rain.  But he was wearing a nice motorcycle suit and I thought to myself, I’ll be he’s real comfy.  And he probably was.  Because he was protected by his clothing, which is the whole point. Here’s a good frame of reference:

Image courtesy of The Arctic Kingdom Polar Expeditions.

This may seem like the most asinine pastime in the whole world, but there are those who love ice-diving.  I’ve heard it’s beautiful, though I can’t say for certain I’d ever endeavor.  Properly clothed, though, it’s nearly the same as any other cold-water diving.  It’s all about the equipment.

confessions of know-it-all’ingness.

Thought of the day: it’s not that the customer/client is always right, but rather that I don’t always need to be right. Right?

I have a tendency toward know-it-all’ingness.  It’s not pretty.  I think there’s a gene in the family, probably on both sides, where we must be right, and we must know that you know that we are right.  I’ve also been known, not willing to recognize the fault in myself, to scrutinize others for the same flaw.  But, as with anything, knowing is half the battle.

I had a moment working with a client today where I held my tongue, made the requested edits, and moved on to the next task.  Now, you can understand this was difficult, as the issue at hand was whether autumnal allergies could be caused by pollen, because isn’t pollen more a springtime thing?  I looked it up, of course, and thought about tossing in an off-handed remark about knowing that, in fact, allergies at this time of year could indeed be pollen-related, because I, personally, suffer this particular malady, at this time, every year.

You can just hear the peevishness in my tone, can’t you.  It’s there, and repeating it here makes it that much more obvious.  And annoying.  And petty-sounding.  I mean, really.  Why is it so important to expend energy thinking about setting him straight?  And did I need to verify the facts on WebMD.com (and yes, this is the link to the Fall Allergies info page)?  Or consider sending a link just so they would know I was right, or that this type of allergy was valid?  A-nnoy-ing.  Do you ever have moments when you wonder how the people around you even like you sometimes?  I’m such a pain in the ass sometimes!

today, part II: and then. (or, how to shake the blues!)

This afternoon, I had a little shift from the wackiness of the morning, and I just felt a little down.  In a nugget, moping. You know how sometimes you just feel it?  Probably just the lack of chocolate in the week’s diet, but it just stuck around.  And wouldn’t go away.  So, I just let it be there, and went about the business of working.  Which really is the best way to get through it anyway.  Much better than lying on the bed, listening to old Cold Play songs that, perhaps, remind you of happier days, say 10 or so years ago, and approximately, oh, 9,000 miles away.  With palm trees, and sunrise diving, and midday hammock time…

Digressing.  Self-pity.  Pity party.  It’s so pathetic, because you can identify it, and you know it’s not rational, and YET.  I was on my way to a friend’s house, to visit her newborn, and I really f*cking needed to shake it, at least a little.  So I started employing some tactics, and I thought I would share.  Yes, I still feel a bit blue, but not so much as earlier.

How to: Debbie Downer

  1. Say thank you.  Say it out loud, or in your mind, or in the windows-up radio-down seclusion of your Ford Focus.  For whatever damn thing that comes to mind: your car, the fact that you have a pair of shoes that fit, whatever.  And not in a smart-assy way.  Say it genuinely, or as close to genuine as you can get.
  2. See the opportunity, if applicable, in the situation that upset you.  In my case, I recently lost a client.  If you can remove yourself from the situation (e.g. it’s so damn nice to have a regular gig), and gain some perspective on the actual situation (I didn’t feel particularly good about the type of biz said client was in), you can see that it might, somehow — in even the minutest sort of way — be a good thing.  And really, it is just a matter of allowing yourself to see the tiniest speck of light that can make all the difference some days.
  3. Get the hello out of the house!  Depression equals wanting to sequester yourself and bask in the badness of it all.  If you can, get your butt outside, even if you’re only going to scowl at people at the library.  Just get away, if only briefly, from the energetic raincloud you’ve been inhabiting.  Stare at a tree.  Buy some notebooks and new pens at CVS.  Eat 15 samples of homeopathic-organic-vegan brioche at Whole Foods.  Make fun of hipsters getting lunch from the food trucks.  Just. get. out.
  4. Exercise.  This should really be higher up on the list, because it’s the best one.  It’s hard to cry when you’re at the gym, watching reruns of House Hunters.  Also, you just feel better when you’re doing something great for yourself and your body.
  5. Go to sleep.  Sometimes it’s just better (unless it’s a habit, then you need to talk to someone).
  6. Listen to a good/inspirational/high-energy song.  Faves include “I can only imagine,” by MercyMe (a disclaimer here, this song is highly, highly religious, but it is bound, indelibly, to Team Hoyt [see vid below], and that is one amaze-balls story, right there.  Much inspiration.), maybe a little Eminem, and loads of other either cheesy or horrible songs that I’d prefer not to make you privy to.  Start paying attention to songs that make you feel good, that give you a little boost when you’re driving, check the interwebs for exercise/running playlists to get some ideas.
  7. Write it out.  I tend to express myself better in writing than I do with the speaking, so it’s always worked for me to have a come-to-Jesus with some loose leaf.  I like a little Q&A, though it can just be a rant, or a drawn-out wallow.  Simply expressing it outwardly can extricate it from your body, and leave you some room for relief.
  8. Scream.  Preferably where no one can hear you.  Again, the car works pretty well for this particular option.
  9. Talk to someone.  A friend, parent, spouse, whomever will listen.  Don’t go on and on for an hour, or they may never listen again 😉 but if there’s a trusted someone you can talk to, see if they’ll lend an ear.
  10. Spend time with an animal.  I love dogs, because they just love you.  Cats sometimes let you get close to them, and they might let you pet them, and it’s possible they’ll purr.  Pets don’t carry around the stuff we do, they just love.  You know what they want, and they want to give it right back to you.  I hug my roomy’s dog as often as I can.  I kiss him between the eyes, I talk to him and call him stinky, I’m intoxicated by his dog-smell.  There’s nothing more joyful than watching him swim in the lake.  Even just thinking about him makes me happier.
  11. Find a way to gain some perspective.  I lost a client.  In the scheme of things, so what!?  As I drove away from the house this afternoon, the aforementioned song “I can only imagine” song was on the radio and I was instantly reminded of the video below.  Lost a client?  Boo f’ing hoo.  This dude runs/jumps/swims/bikes in IRONMAN competitions with his full-grown son in tow.  I like to call this method buck-the-f@ck-up, because sometimes the touchy-feely shite doesn’t work, and you just have to knock it out of yourself.  Which I think is what just happened for me (finally!).
  12. Which leads to the last suggestion: help someone else.  Volunteer, stalk old people in parking lots to help them carry things, wait at a door somewhere and just open it for people.  It feels good to help people out, and it moves your focus away from what’s bothering you.

I know I have more than this, so I’ll update when I can think of them.  What works for you?  Leave your suggestions in the comments!  (Also, see if you can make it through Team Hoyt without crying…)

marathon photo (not foto).

Finally done! Unfortunately, iPhoto decided to be uncooperative this week, so it’s taken me a minute to get this all compiled, but here’s a recap of the race.  So fun to go back and look through them, even though it’s just a week past!

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kombucha experi-fermentation, bottoms up!

Despite my lack of posts, the kombucha is coming along nicely.  I have bottled a few batches, and even had the nads to drink a few bottles!  I’ve only allowed others a sip here and there, and then only those whose composition is tried and true, by way of raw-food retreats and Master Cleanseses.

Here’s the bottle of the stuff I drank tonight.

liquid gold, texas tea.

Bits and pieces I’ve picked up along the way:

  1. It’s important to taste the brew regularly.  I didn’t realize this until after the first big growth batch had passed its prime and tasted very much like vinegar.  For some reason I was hesitant to do this at first, as though I was growing some exotic cocktail I’d never tried before.  Now I taste it every few days, and am getting a better sense of the process just by looking at the scoby and the tint of the liquid.
  2. Bubbles aren’t automatic.  I was surprised to discover my first batch was flat.   I thought this was just another benchmark I had missed, but a friend recommended a little beer-brewing trick, which worked.  I then corroborated the tidbit by looking it up on the ‘net.  You know, the internet?  Yeah, I’m connected.  (you have to forgive the wackedness, I really just want to update the dang blog, and it’s late, and I’m loopy.)  It’s simple: just add a little sugar to the bottle, close it up, and let it sit for a few days.  I don’t know exact ratios right now, I’ve just been adding a scant teaspoon in each 16-oz bottle.  What it comes down to, I suppose, is that the little buggers have food (sugar) to eat, so they’re happy, and the by-product is the fizzies that can’t escape from the bottle because it’s closed.  There are laws of gas and physics here, that I could possibly explain.  No, I really couldn’t.
  3. Stockpile bottles in advance.  My roomies have been saving Snapple bottles for me for the finished tea.  But you also need a good amount of filtered or clarified city water (boiled then left uncovered to allow chems, etc. to escape) when you start a new batch, so you’ll want to have a place to keep that as well.  Ideally, you would have enough water to bring the temp of the sweet-tea mix down to tepid before adding it to scoby/wash.

That’s all I can think of, though I’m sure there’s more.  At some point, I will add some info on the water kefir, which has been a great addition to the kombucha.  It takes much less time (1-2 days) and is infinitely tinkerly-able!

kombucha experi-fermentation, every now-and-then

Happy Friday!  I’ve been been mildly absorbed in my new fermentation adventures (NEW and IMPROVED!  Now with KEFIR grains!), and the butch hasn’t been doing a whole lot this week.  In part, I realized round about Wednesday, because there wasn’t any food in the larder, the cupboards were bare.  I courageously took a sip yesterday morning and confirmed that it was leaning more toward vinegar than is desirable.  I brewed up a fresh batch of sweet tea and added it into the mix.

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Sorry for the mash-up, still working on a system to get things from the phone to the computer, whilst maintaining date/time info.  And… yes, I was too lazy to walk upstairs to get the USB cord this morning.

kombucha experi-fermentation, douze(y) du jour

It’s definitely happening now, it wasn’t just a fluke yesterday.  The mushroom is definitely both gromandizing and aggrandizing (sorry, sleepy and in need of a little alliteration).  True to my word, I checked it just as many times today as usual.  And changed the location.  But it seems to be a resilient bugger and keeps on keepin’ on.

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I think I’m getting very close to being able to brew a batch of the coveted kombucha!

kombucha experi-fermentation dia diez

I was gone a few days at the cabin, so I took advantage of my absence to set the temp a bit higher in the room wherein resides the nascent scoby.  I’ve been gone since Friday morning, so you can imagine how excited I was to have a look this afternoon when I came home!  This is what I found:

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When I first looked, the mushroom was floating nicely at the top, but drooped because I moved it.  Kind of amazing though, that it grew that much just over 48 hours!  I should probably leave it alone rather than constantly checking on it… yeah right, that’s gonna happen 😉